OUCH: How To Please Your Man, Revisited

Written by b. Posted in Ouch!

Published on September 22, 2008 with 9 Comments

Written by B Sept. 22, 2008

Approximately a million and five years ago, I wrote a story railing against the media and the pressure it puts on women to look perfect for their man. It’s not subtle, but we do keep buying the magazines, so we have to take responsibility for the continued mass-publication of such insulting dreck. It seems we are drawn to these mags like mosquitoes to that weird blue thing in my neighbor’s backyard. And though I could argue the magazines often make our lives miserable, at least they don’t make a loud ZZZZZT as they snuff out our little lives like the weird blue thing did to the mosquitoes.

With that in mind, I was scouring the web today looking for something to write about since my own life is a snore-inducing snoozathon filled with ridiculous amounts of TV and sugarless candies, when I happened upon a video that sums up part of my article, except done well and with pretty pictures. If I were a lesser woman, I would be envious of this piece and hide it from my readers, lest they realize what a talentless hack I really am. But I’m bigger than that. Instead, I will just take complete credit for it.

I’m the chick on the right.
‘Cosmopolitan’ Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man

disclaimer: I’m not really the chick on the right.

I’m the one on the left.

disclaimer: I’m not really the chick on the left either.

I’m the dude.

About b

 lives in New York, she is single, hip, and sharp as a tack. She's Barbara Crawford. Her self-deprecating wit and keen observation of pop culture will keep you coming back for more abuse. Just remember: she's much cooler than you.

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There are currently 9 Comments on OUCH: How To Please Your Man, Revisited. Perhaps you would like to add one of your own?

  1. Even though I know the Onion is fake, it is so convincing in the delivery that I find myself wavering sometimes. It makes me uncomfortable.

  2. Honestly, women make this much more complicated than it has to be. For most men it comes down to this: Once a day, in conjunction with the making of one apple pie (not a euphemism but a real pie) per week. Nothing exotic, nothing crazy, no need to diet, or torture yourself. Total time requirement is probably less than 1 hour per week and I am assuming it takes about 25 minutes of labor for the pie. In return, you could probably burn down the house with our baseball card collection, and labrador inside, and we would still love you. Dearly.


  3. Ditto, but change to blueberry pie and save the lab.

  4. You’re right. The fruit selection is entirely up to the individual, and losing the dog might require twice a day or a Thanksgiving feast dinner once a month.

  5. Seriously, you both should win the MeZine Award for awesomeness.

  6. Um, just noticed the google ad for the fire house. I am guessing that is in reference to the burning down the house comment.

  7. I’m screwed. I hate pie.

  8. Dude, I don’t even know how to buy pie. Wait.

  9. Unrelated, maybe. Disturbing, maybe. Suburban dysfunction funny, definitely. Or maybe just plain funny. Or disturbing. Whatever.


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