FODDER: Excuse Me While I Kiss This Guy

By Fodder • Sep 24th, 2008 • Category: Fodder

Written by Chuck Sept. 24, 2008

I have a habit of singing out loud. I can often be heard above my running lawn mower while I cut the grass. I have reasonable pitch, particularly when the Toro is in “mulch mode.” However, knowing the real lyrics to any song is not my strength. I adopt a lyric after my first hearing of the piece. It is seldom accurate and often unshakable. When I was a child, before the days of being able to watch Star Wars in the mini-van, my family played a game on car rides. We listened to the radio. As each song began, the first person to shout “mine” was then expected to sing along. You scored points by being able to sing the majority of the lyrics accurately. The other passengers listened to your performance and scored you accordingly. My sister and I continue to play the game to this day. I was notorious for butchering songs because I locked into an unfortunate misinterpretation and never bothered to see if it was right or even made sense. Here are some of my more famous blunders.

Artist/Song

The real song lyrics

What I thought the lyrics were

Neil Diamond /Blue
Jeans

Forever in Blue
Jeans

Reverend
Blue Jeans

Public Enemy/Cold
Blue Steel in the Hour of Darkness

Death row, what a
brother know

Death row, water
buffalo

Beatles/Across the
Universe

Jai Guru Deva

Jackaroo day spa

Neil
Diamond/Heartlight

Turn on your heartlight

Turn on your
headlights

Baby got Back

I like big butts and
I can’t deny it

I like big butts,
like Ri-co- la

Rolling
Stones/Jumpin’ Jack Flash

I was born in a
cross-fire hurricane, and I howled at the mud and driving rain

I was born in a
cross-fire hurricane, and I bowed to the Marvin Lighting Gaye

Prodigy/Smack my
bitch up

Smack my bitch up

Stack my pictures (I
just did not think you could have a song advocating domestic violence playing
on the radio in 1995. I was wrong)

Pink
Floyd/Comfortably Numb

When I was a child,
I had a fever, my hands felt just like two balloons.

When I was a child I
had a theater, my ants played just like tuba loons

Rolling
Stones/Sympathy for the Devil

I killed the Czar
and his ministers/ Anastasia screamed in vain

I killed the Czar
and his ministers/ Anesthesia healed the pain

Beck/Loser

Soy un perdedor

Soy is a candy toy

The Bee Gees/Stayin’
Alive

Whether you’re a
brother or whether you’re a mother,

You’re stayin’ alive, stayin’
alive.

Whether you’re
another or when you like to smother your stayin’
alive, stayin alive.

As you can see I grew up in the late 70’s and 80’s. My family was an early adopter, and late disregarder of disco. We also liked Neil Diamond. A lot.

I have no real point with this piece. But I would like to see other people’s mistakes. Please share in the comments. Thanks.

Chuck

Fodder is a "slice of life" column written by Chuck Rubin. Chuck lives in Massachusetts with his wife and three children. He openly wishes he could live life as an excentric artist somewhere in the tropics. A complete lack of talent makes this impossible so he works as a consultant. His perspective on the human condition may simultaneously entertain and nauseate you.
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2 Responses »

  1. eoc on September 24th, 2008 at 2:13 pm:

    My friend Amy thought that “Oh What a Night” by the Four Seasons was “Oh Wooden Eye”. My sister thought that part of “Tiny Dancer” was “Tie me down now”. Me, I’ve got nothing that I know of. Or can recall.

  2. b on September 24th, 2008 at 5:12 pm:

    My own, my friends and my family’s lyrical bungles are documented here. I guess you are not alone with the Reverend in Blue Jeans (babe). Honey talks, you know.

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