OUT THERE: Gone Green
By Out There • Sep 1st, 2008 • Category: Out ThereWritten by Erin Crawford Sept 1, 2008
The color green has always been a bit significant in my life. It is the color of my beloved high school uniform and mascot (Shamrock). “Green” is the name of a fave Joni Mitchell song. It is the color of money (not that I have much). It was the color of a great pair of clogs I had back in college. It is the color of a certain Jolly Giant, who I must say for a cartoon character hawking canned vegetables, is kind of a hottie.
Also, obviously, green is the go to color for all things to do with environmentalism and the accompanying marketing machine. One of the easiest ways for the lazies to go green and thus save the earth, according to some experts, is by recycling. I am a decent recycler, not obsessive about every last little scrap and also not dismissive of its effectiveness as a whole. It has slowly become a tiny ritual and the majority of the time, I am all over it.
How does this relate to my recently over with relationship? Well, apparently my penchant for recycling caused a bit of a rift. I am not talking about cardboard or cans either. My significant other had a wee problem with the fact that I am on cordial terms with most old boyfriends/dates/makeouts. It seemed to drive him bananas, for a garden variety of reasons. One of them being that occasionally throughout the history of time, I found myself re-dating certain people due to timing and circumstance. Though not while I was dating him. However, one time when we were on a break there was a dabble. I was accused of recycling, and not in a feel good about yourself for saving the planet sort of way.
This is where the black and white comes in as in world views (his), right (him) vs. wrong (me). My argument, besides channeling Ross from Friends (“We were on a BREAK”) was that I was under the impression that it was a GOOD thing that I was on decent terms with the boyfriends from yore. Like it signaled maturity and other stuff. His argument was that it was that I never really ended it with anyone, that there was just a bookmark once I lost interest and wandered away (or got divorced, or widowed). Hence, according to him, I had this sort of stash of ex boyfriends lolling around for me to dabble with the minute I was free. His version is a little unseemly and not based in actual factual reality and seems to have a faint whiff of trust issues and controlling personality type. Whatevs. Besides, der, what about these boys- don’t they get any say in the matter? After all, it takes two to dabble.
Anyway, for the most part Mr. Black and White and I got along fabulously and saw eye to eye on many things. We laughed a ton and got each other’s stupid jokes and liked each other’s stuff. It is unfortunate that this one aspect was a breaking point, but hey, that is part of life’s fun little experiences. It is safe to say, due to my surprisingly personal heartbreak over the state of things since breaking point, that there will be no recycling in this case. At least I have my cardboard and cans and fond memories. Quite mature, really.
Out There is a column written by Erin Crawford, who wonders where "there" is, as far as dating is concerned. When not dispensing her unsolicited advice, she enjoys yoga, painting, and Zappos.com. She lives in Massachusetts with her brilliant child, Edie, and several woodland squatters.
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It’s always good to be friends with your exes. If it starts to be a problem with your relationship there is either a problem with your relationship or a problem with your friendship. It’s usually the former.
Oh, I may disagree with B on this one. It clearly depends on the “person” but in most cases, I would have a problem with my wife being “buddies” with an ex. Why? because for the vast majority of men out there (there are some exceptions) you are really staying “friends” because you are consciously or sub-conciously trying to keep an option open. In addition, once you have crossed into the “we have been intimate” realm of a relationship, I think, it’s very hard to go completely back to, strictly platonic friendship in mind and body. Not impossible, but very hard, at least for me. Ultimately, it comes down to the feelings of the person you are in the “relationship” with. If it bothers them, right or wrong, you have to answer the question: “Are this person’s feelings iimportant enough to me to make that sacrifice?” Important to note, fairness is not a part of the calculus. I would argue, that for the right person, it’s a small concession. (Disclaimer time: Of course there are always exceptions. I do know people who are legitimately “friends” with their ex flame. They are just in the small minority)
In my romantic history, once I’m “over” someone, I’m over them and it could never be romantic again. That having been said, there are a couple of romances who were devastating to me when they ended. One, I could be just friends with but would have no interest in doing so; the other I still couldn’t be just friends with. I guess it not only depends on the person who you are, but also the relationship you had.
Signed,
mysterious, anonymous admin person.
Chuck is 100% right. Although it’s obvious he’s coming from the perspective of a married person.