Written by Chuck Aug. 19, 2008

Competitive Yoga? No maste!

The Olympics are here. As I watched the opening ceremonies I was more than impressed. The drummers, the Tai Chi masters, the 290 foot LCD scroll, the 9yr old who twice entered a collapsing building to save his classmates in an earthquake because, as the hall monitor, the safety of his classmates was his responsibility, were awesome.

The world’s greatest athletes have gathered in China to celebrate humanity through friendly competition. At least that is the theory. In reality, the Olympics are becoming a collection of increasingly stupid events that bear no resemblance to the game’s origins or modern intentions.

When I was a boy, the Olympics were a major event for my family. We gathered around the TV every night to watch sports that we only watched once every four years. To care about athletes whose names we learned only minutes before. To be inspired by the commitment some people were willing to make to be the best. Now, the games are missing that third and most important element of athletic drama. The games have come dangerously close to lacking any semblance of inspiration.

I went to a large high school that was filled with stellar athletes. It was ridiculously difficult to make most of the varsity teams. We won state championships in several sports and sent athletes to a-list colleges on scholarship every year. And yet, in the entire history of the school only one kid ever made it to the Olympic games. Was he a superstar? Did he train like an animal driven by a singular vision of athletic greatness? No. In fact on most days you would find him sitting in the smoking section of the cafeteria playing hackey sack, and taking pot hits. How did he get into the Olympics next to people like Michael Phelps and Michelle Kwan? He did it by being a snow boarding half-pipe thrasher guy. A career that really did not offer much until someone on the US Olympic committee thought “What events can we put in the Olympics to drive up our medal total? Wait I got it, how about snowboarding? No, no, no wait even better. A playground subset of snowboarding that 99% of the nations out there won’t have access to. What’s it called? Half something? Oh right. The half pipe.”

After high school he moved to Colorado, and picked up the sport. He partied like an animal and learned to twirl on a snowboard while using words like “fakey, rad, front-side, olley” and a star was born. I don’t deny he is talented on a world class level. Clearly he is good at snowboarding. Nor do I begrudge him for taking advantage of the opportunity. However, I am really bitter that a n’ere do well party boy gets to participate in the same event that saw Leonidas of Rhodes run the “stadium” in a uniform of bronze armor, and Kleitomachos of Thebes knock out Pausanias also of Thebes with his bare hands to win the champion’s wreath. By the way he did it naked and slathered in olive oil in accordance with the tradition of the time. I have no point here. It’s just a bazaar visual.

In an effort to increase national prestige, and to inflate the egos of its citizens, nations have been lobbying for the inclusion of various sports in the Olympic menu. Sports (and that word is used liberally here) that are so beyond the point of the games that they have made the spectacle hardly worth paying attention to. We know the usual culprits which are the butt of every late night monologue: Synchronized swimming, ballroom dancing (being considered), the gymnastics event where women dance with a long waving ribbon, etc. But there is another more insidious breed of event that is dismembering the spirit of the games. Events like, roller blading, trampoline, and my personal favorite, competitive yoga (yes it was considered by the Olympic Committee this year and may be included in the 2012 games). Why are these sports less palatable than say, ping pong? Well let me tell you through the excessive use outline bullets.

Olympic sports cease to be of interest when they fail to meet the following criteria for “inspirational”:

• The sport should require a lifetime commitment to training in relative obscurity for a once in 4 year shot at glory.
• It should require you to develop a freakish body deformity to excel in your sport. Speed skaters have to wake up at 4:00am, train all day, and then are forced to shop at Big and Tall stores to accommodate their thighs.
• Require an all or nothing financial commitment. I want athletes that are willing to live on Ramen noodles for 6 six years for the 1 in a million shot they end up on a Wheaties Box.
• Sports where bong usage is an excepted part of the “culture”are out. If training equals hanging out with your “buds” while you use the family Vail Pass it’s gone
• Sports that originated in ancient forms of combat are in. I am not sure why people through a discuss at each other with the intention to kill, but they did, and that makes it cool enough to be accepted.
• If your sport requires, sequins, make-up, or glitter application, it’s on the chopping block
• If your sport can be described as Dance it’s out.
• If the original participants in your sport competed in the nude it is seriously considered. The nudity angle probably explains why Greco-Roman wrestling does not allow for take downs initiated below the waist. As if that makes wrestling naked more heterosexual.
• If your countrymen will try to kill you for losing your event, it’s in. If you play soccer for Columbia, you take your life in your hands.
• Ideally, after you complete in your event you should be too out of breath to give a cogent interview.
• Any event resulting in some its participants staggering into the stadium, pushing back officials from trying to stop them and falling across a finish line in last place, right before the medics try to resuscitate them, is seriously considered.
• If your sport requires you to shave all of your body hair for some fraction of a second performance enhancement, it will be considered.
• If your sport requires a trust fund to compete, it’s out. A medal in an event that did not have a competitor from Angola is invalid.
• When you are standing in your competitive clothing most people should feel compelled to say something like “Jesus, look at the (fill in any body part) on that guy”
• Any sport that will stunt your body development (Kerry Strug) as a consequence of beginning your training as an infant, is in.

According to my criteria, the following sports should not show up on your Olympic program:

• Tennis. It should be noted that I played competitive tennis through college. I love this game, but it is not a valid Olympic Sport. Roger Federer sleeps a on mattress stuffed with 100 dollar bills. If he wins the Gold it is like: “Sweet I will put it in my trophy case next to a gajillion other trophies that are more important to my sport.” If he loses he probably thinks: “Gas up my private jet and fly me back to my bazillion dollar, tax haven home in Dubai. “ (I enjoy made up numbers with the roots of “zillion” or “jillion”)
• Basketball. See tennis and replace Roger Federer with Kobe Bryant. If you can afford to show up at the opening ceremony with 10 carats worth of diamonds in your ears, your sport is out. I am not sure how the marathoner from Sierra Leone, whose brother probably mined that diamond at rifle point, feels about your “look.”
• Equestrian. Let’s be clear, if I need an 1800 pound animal to win my event, than I am not really the athlete. Plus its really hard to get horses onto a podium.
• Ballroom dancing. Seriously, they already have a world championships. Inclusion in the games makes about as much sense as including the javelin in the Black Rock dance championships. Although, the cha cha, combined with impalement danger, might actually get me to watch it. Emphasis on “might.”
• Beach volleyball. It meets many of the requirements. However, everybody who plays it is beautiful and living in Southern California. They train by going to the beach in Santa Barbara and by being adored by members of the opposite sex. Life shouldn’t be that good for anyone.
• The ribbon dance and gymnastics trampoline. The ribbon dance? Where do you get into that? Plus any sport that requires a trip to Michaels for your equipment is out. The trampoline? I am sorry, did I buy a ticket for the circus? What’s next, the clown car event?
• All events originating in the “X-games.” Downhill mountain biking? Chinese downhill snowboarding? Are you kidding me? I might consider an uphill mountain biking event and snowboarding is just not as cool as skiing. Skiing has guys named Jean-Claude and Permin and other men who were never called “dude.” Snowboarding is populated by guys who can’t speak a sentence without using the word “chill.” Enough said.
• Sailing. See trust fund criteria. Any sport that has a preponderance of Muffies and Chips competing in it is out.

Events that might surprise you by getting in are as follows:

• Synchronized swimming. It does require sequins. However, these girls are real athletes. The train like crazy, forgo any semblance of a real life, force themselves not to breath for minutes at a time and nobody will ever know them the minute their event is over. It’s a winner.
• Ping-pong. Chinese people tune-in by the millions to see this event. Based on my family undefeated streak (20 years without a loss) it’s the only event where the dream of me being an Olympian is not dead. Well, it is. But that’s why it’s a dream.
• Badminton. It is exactly the same reasons as Ping Pong. Exactly.
• Fencing. Every now and then a foil tip breaks. The sharp edge can run through the mask of the opponent and stab him or her in the face. A sport with the potential for face stabbing is riveting entertainment.

Regardless of the event selection, I will watch the games every single day they are on. Although, the spectrum of competition has diluted the purity of the games, there will still be moments that propel my faith in humanity. A Cinderella story, a David beats Goliath upset, a political statement, a hopeless nation seeking redemption in their lone athlete’s shot at victory, a competitor losing a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice in literally the blink of an eye, are all compelling. I just don’t want the brilliance of these spectacles to be clouded by posers. I think Leonidas would agree.