Written by Erin Crawford Aug. 10, 2008

Once, a long time ago, there was a big BANG. Then, suddenly there was light. And some water. And some creatures flopping around the beach (or was that spring break, circa 1991?). Anyway, after the bang, these creatures met some other creatures (which may or may not have been formed out of some dude’s ribs). Then there was a flood and a rainbow and all creatures grabbed a buddy and off they sailed into the wild blue yonder. Which brings us to the present. My time line may be slightly off, but the point is somewhere along the way it became part of nature to pair off with another creature.

I haven’t had too much trouble in the initial pairing off process. I am pretty easy. Easy going, that is. If someone makes me laugh and doesn’t appear to have any open, oozing lesions, then I have always been game to entertain the idea of being entertained by them. It always starts with the laughing. Laughing feels good and feeling good is contagious and feeling contagious is, well, contagious. In a laughing way, not in an open, oozing lesion way. The point is, if I am out and about and not currently attached I may find myself laughing along and next thing you know I have a new buddy. Wild blue yonder is usually dependent on a slew of other factors, blood alcohol level included.

It’s not the initial pairing off that causes me vexation, it’s the morning after. Or in laymen’s terms, the relationship. Upon further research, and some excerpts based on a book report I did in 8^th grade on the “Scopes Monkey Trial,” I hereto offer my current (based on a moving continuum of information) thesis on my inability to keep a mate around after the initial meet and greet.

Scientists believe that the genus australopithecus, an upright walking ape-man, lived in east Africa and the Middle East about 4 to 5 million years ago. Some 2 million years ago scientists say Homo erectus (hee), a tool-making creature with a large brain and more human-like features, replaced the australopithecus. The Erectus was found from Africa to China while Homo Neanderthalis inhabited Europe. Modern man (Homo Sapiens) appears abruptly as Neanderthalis and Erectus became extinct, according to some scientists, around 40,000 years ago. Though what actually happened is still up for debate.

That is all fine and good and neatly sums up most of college and beyond, but what about the guys in my current dating pool? It was suggested to me that I should date what is known as a “stand up guy” and get rid of the crawlers. According to my calculations I seem to be off by at least 40,000 years and that is just in the last year. The good news is I am heading off to vacation on the Jersey Shore this month. It could be the final frontier for my search for the modern Homo Sapien. We will see what happens whilst flopping around on the beach there. Stay tuned.

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