Written by Chuck, Mar 31, 2008

6 Ideas that would make our country a much safer place

In a prior life I worked for both the Department of Defense and the Department of Homeland Security. Both organizations spend more money each year than the gross national product of most nations. It is all done in the name of protecting the United States, its interests and its citizens. While working with both organizations I sat in countless meetings where we contemplated all of the ways that determined people could infiltrate and inflict damage on our country. The options are without limit. Our ability to stop them is not. How do we maximize the use of our defense and security budget? Here are a few ideas.

1) Buy all existing ski masks and put them in a vault at the bottom of the ocean. Have you ever seen anyone wearing a ski mask for a purpose other than hijacking a plane, robbing a bank, or assaulting a woman? If you do wear a ski mask for say something like, skiing, you should also been thrown in a vault at the bottom of the ocean. Projected Cost? $150.00, as most ski masks are found at flea markets and garage sales. And by the way, if you are selling a ski mask at either the former or the latter, note who buys it and call the cops.

2) Stop all foreign sales of monkey bar playground sets. According to every video I have ever seen pertaining to al Qaeda training camps, monkey bars are essential to the development of terrorists. I like to think of al Qaeda operatives recruiting trainees with the following statement: “First you will master the monkey bars. Then you will serve Allah!”  In fact, we may want to target playgrounds all across the Middle East as terrorist hotbeds.

3) If any two of your first, middle or last names are Muhammad, you go on a watch list. About a year ago I read an article in the Washington Post where the FBI foiled a terrorist plot to blow up the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. The terrorists were named as follows:

A. Muhammad, Wahiri, Saed

B. Muhammad, Saed, Muhammad

C. And Muhammad, Muhammad, Muhammad.

Call me crazy but if my name was Muhammed, I should not be surprised to have an NSA file.

4) Basic Intelligence test for anyone traveling on an airplane. If you are still confused by any of the following, your right to travel freely throughout the country will be revoked. You will be limited to travel by bus or dog sled, preferably en route to a gulag.

A. The need to take your computer out of your bag for screening

B. The need to take your jewelry off for screening

C. Any part of the screening process where people tell what to do fifteen times prior to the conveyor belt

D. The alpha-numeric seating code for every airplane. Seat 9A comes after seat 8A on every plane. You don’t need to ask the flight attendant where your seat is.

E. The recline option on your chair. Look at the space in between your legs and the seat ahead of you. You are not sitting in a magic chair where the leg room behind you is different.

5) All airplanes need to be equipped with easy to use controls. I would like to know, that in the case of a terrorist hijacking, I could fly the plane so long as there was someone to “talk me down” from ground control. I realize that every 1970’s disaster movie implied that untrained passengers can land a 747. I just don’t know if I believe it.

6) Begin marketing campaign dispelling the myth that 75 virgins are actually worth any sacrifice never mind being worth killing yourself and others. Do suicide bombers remember being virgins? I think the ad campaign slogan should read something like: Martyrdom for 75 virgins? Dude, check out the internet. It has free porn.

We don’t need to invest billions to inspect every cargo ship container or build a giant wall on the Mexican border. We can solve most of our problems for short money, common sense, and small chain of labor camps for the terminally stupid.

BRAD DECIDES TO HIT THE SLOPES