In the make out justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important, groups: the police who investigate make out crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders.

These are their stories.

There are rules for making out with a friend’s boyfriend’s friends. You know, the pool of guy friends that come along with one of your friend’s boyfriends. The general rule of thumb is you are allotted one make out per friend’s boyfriend’s friends. What do you do when that rule is thwarted by the friend’s boyfriend’s friend’s FRIEND? Not only is there post-make out remorse because you already used up the one make out with the original friend, but you also have to endure a potential shaming of the shrew, blame the victim mentality when pleading the case. It DOES depend on the degree of friend that the two opposing make outs are. In my case they are BEST friends. For the record, as I vaguely stated above, I was not the initiator. It’s not my fault I am totally irresistible.

This situation happened some time ago. It was incredibly mind-boggling for the first few days and then it just sort of worked itself out (I stopped hanging out with the said group). I wasn’t going to subject myself to pleading my case, or “version of events” as some people (Alcoholic Anonymous) like to call it. My friend and I are fine, as far as I know. I mean we haven’t really discussed the events that took place. A) Because they are none of her business and b) I have no idea what really happened as it all happened rather quickly. The best friend of the guy that I thought I was going to make out with leaned in and planted a big old’ kiss on me. What can I say other than something about an early bird or finder’s keepers or make out Darwinism? Not to mention that I was TOTALLY mid-cycle and therefore my pheromones and shit were out strutting their stuff like the badasses they are. However, it does bring to mind a couple of questions. One being that the best friend maker-outer totally knew of the intentions between me and his friend. Or rather of the intentions of his friend toward me. What kind of friend is he? I have no idea, not a great one. What kind of maker-outer is he? Pretty darn good. Is there a proportion rule there? Perhaps.

The thing that could have potentially riled me, if I had confronted this scenario rather than initiating the Fade Away, was that even though I wasn’t the one who “started” it per se, I would have been the one who got blamed. That is just the way group dynamics go in situations like this. For example a conversation between Friend 1 (the intended make out) and Friend 2 (the actual make out) could have gone something like this: Friend 2 to Friend 1:Dude, EOC totally made out with me. (Instead of what really happened which was the other way around). Friend 1: Slut. (Instead of Friend 1 punching Friend 2 in the ball sack)

My point is. I didn’t start it. By all accounts it appeared that it was going to be game on between me and Friend 1 to anyone who happened to be at the party that night, including myself (by anyone I mean Friend 1’s close friends, sister and parents, who I met for the first time that night). HOWEVER, the dawning of the next day probably brought many uncomfortably awkward moments. For example, a conversation between Friend 1 and his sister might go something like this: Sister: Hey, OMG, Friend 1, how was your night. BTW, Mom and Dad totally loved EOC. Friend 1: She made out with Best Friend. Sister: Slut. Perhaps accompanied by slew of profanities and threats perhaps– I don’t know. I am just speculating. Thankfully it was a going AWAY party for the Sister. Phew.

All I know, is that I probably won’t be invited to any more intimate gatherings with that group for awhile. Or even unintimate ones. Not until my name is cleared anyway, which is unlikely. I do understand how these things go. I mean, I DID go to high school after all. Obviously I have had to go through this before. One of the benefits of being older is not giving a fuck. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I feel real bad about Friend 1. But, I didn’t start it. I chalked it up to Oops there goes my karma. Again. In the past, I would have invoked my right to vehemently defend myself when charged with a criminal make out. In this case there is a potential eye witness who can clear my name and everything. I would hate to put him on the stand in that way though as he is good friends with both parties. I am just walking away. It will blow over. I mean, all of high school did.