I’m a huge fan of horror movies. So, when I saw that the sequel to the fabs horror/action film 28 Days Later was coming out, I called my horror fan friends and we set a date to see the movie. Zombies aren’t usually my thing, but I thought the original movie was terrifying. I was always under the assumption that, upon being confronted by lumbering, bloodthirsty undeads, I could outwit and outrun them easily. But in “28 Days Later,” those mofos ran really frikkin’ fast. My entire escape plan in case of Zombie attack was rendered totally useless.

On movie day I met my friends at the movie theater in Times Square, which is pretty terrifying in it’s own right. My horror fan friend, Eddie, bought me some Razzles (which are so much more questionable than you remember) and I bought a $7 soda. Ridiculously overpriced refreshments make all movies more enjoyable. It’s a scientific fact.

It’s probably a clear indication of the quality of movie you are about to see if all the previews suck really hard. However, the first 15 minutes of the movie were pretty scary. Had the movie run the credits after then, I’d be a little annoyed that I paid $11 for 15 minutes of film, but at least this would be a semi-positive review. But instead, I’m writing to tell you that 28 Weeks Later” is a steaming pile of elephant dung that even my ridiculously overpriced soda couldn’t make enjoyable.

What I learned from the movie:

- Instead of being angry when your husband leaves you to be eaten by zombies, you should forgive him and make out with him while strapped to a gurney.

- Love conquers all. Except Zombie-ism.

- Zombies know how to use key cards.

- If a zombie is on the loose, you should round up all the non-zombies to make them easily accessible to the zombie.

- The US is a soulless, evil empire.

- A mind-boggling number of British people have bad teeth.

- British zombies do not floss after devouring non-zombies.

- Even though zombies are literally starving to death, they may opt against eating you and just lean over you and drool someone else’s innards onto your face.

- The blowtorch is the weapon of choice for the US Army whilst killing innocent people.

- A good solution to save a country run rampant with epidemic zombie-ism is to chase after non-zombie children and try to kill them by whatever means necessary. Brought to you by the US Army.

- If you get annoyed by enormous plot holes, then you are stupid like the child-chasing US Army. Which you should know by now is also evil.

In the movie “28 Weeks Later,” the plot is non-existent. There is no arc, no period in time where the character changes or evolves (zombie-ism notwithstanding). “28 Weeks Later” is not a movie, it’s a way-too-long CHAPTER. Did these writers take any screen-writing classes? It almost seems like the script was written by an intern who was by the bedside of the original script writer while he was having fever dreams. I’m not even sure I know who the main character is. Is it the father who, except for the beginning, only turns up at suspiciously coincidental times? Is it the teen daughter who we keep seeing in extreme close up so we realize, to the fullest extent, how ugly we are? Or is it the little boy who you not-so-secretly want to get run over by a tank filled with DVDs of “Dawn of the Dead” ?   Or is it the director’s political views, which are pretty clearly anti-American — or, at least, anti-US troops. The fact is, this movie is such a brain-dead abomination that all aspiring filmmakers (read: the entire city of Los Angeles and most of New York) should be allowed to eat the two script writers faces off. Until then, justice won’t be served.