Dear Id:

Help me. I have recently, and inexplicably, started drinking hot tea by the cupful.
Does this mean I’m a lesbian?

-Unsigned.

Dear Unsigned:

Yes. Everybody knows that all lesbians and only lesbians drink tea. Margaret Thatcher was a lesbian, and of course so was Winston Churchill. They were both tea drinkers. And if you drink iced tea, you’re bisexual.

Hey, what is this… lesbian week on Dear Id?

-Id

Dear Id:

Do you agree with Maxwell Weber that protestantism is the cause of modern capitalism and the ‘money is the root of all evil’ thing?

-Metroshane

Dear Metroshane:

Art Alexakis, lead singer of Everclear, once said in a song, “I hate those people who love to tell you/Money is the root of all that kills/They have never been poor/They have never had the joy of a welfare Christmas.”

Id has never had the joy of a welfare Christmas, but he is thankful for Martin Luther and the Protestant Reformation. Being a protestant basically means you don’t have to go to church to get lots of presents for Christmas. So is protestantism the cause of modern capitalism? Possibly. But a better way to sum up the faith might be “You can have your cake and eat it too” or “You can have your Christmas tree and not have to sing a bunch of hymns.”

Protestants: We put the ‘X’ in X-mas.

-Id

Dear Id:

I read about this in the POST the other day. Apparently there is a
deranged drag Queen named Big Al who has a bull dyke sidekick named Amy.
The scam they have going on is quite involved. Apparently the cost of
being a plus-size drag queen is astronomical. So, in an effort to cut cost,
Big Al instructs Amy to call stylish women throughout the city asking for their
shoe sizes. As we all know, the shoes make the outfit- and are
generally one of the more expensive items in a wardrobe. So if the shoe
size is a match, Big Al and Amy stalk you and steal the shoes right off
your feet. It’s a sick,sick criminal ring.

But here is the thing: the other day someone called me and asked my shoe
size. And now I think I am being followed. Have you heard anything about
this?

-Shoeless Joe

Dear Shoeless Joe:

Id doesn’t follow the drag queen scene anymore, but if Big Al and her bull dyke sidekick Amy ever confront you in some dark alley, Id recommends that you do as they ask and give up your shoes.
It doesn’t sound like they’re the sort of people who take no for an answer.

Of course, maybe you could talk to Big Al. Plus-size drag queens have feelings too. Maybe he just doesn’t have a shoulder to cry on. Maybe his bull dyke sidekick isn’t giving him the support and love he needs.

Perhaps they just need to nurture their inner Id. Everyone needs a little more Id in their lives, even plus-size drag queens and bull dyke sidekicks.

-Id

Dear Enzo:

Compulsive shoe buying is a lot like repressing your emotions: One day you open your closet and they all fall on top of you, smothering you under their weight.

But hey, you can always buy a bigger closet. Just watch out for Big Al and her bull dyke sidekick Amy.

-Id

Dear Bothered:

I don’t think you should dump her, I think she should dump you.

For starters, you’ve got no business letting her past affect your relationship. Also, you’re being dishonest by not telling her how you feel.
You don’t mention how many women you’ve slept with in the past, but I’m going to make a leap of logic and guess that you are holding her to a double standard.
What basis do I have to make this leap? None whatsoever. Call it a gut feeling. Actually, call it nausea. ‘Cause I’m about to vomit.

-Id